The hard realities that come with a life not spilling over with delusion seems so cold and heartless at times, doesn’t it?
Everyone has their cushy comforts of eternal bliss and like-minded friendships to rely upon when in the faithful flock. I have days where I am so angry that I don’t get to have all the answers like they think they do. Others, where I envy the communities that the faithful have built for themselves. Admittedly, I try to look down upon what they are doing with some level of snide callousness, thinking to myself,”This isn’t real, and they aren’t REALLY happy. They are scared at heart.”
These are dark days when I feel this way.
The reality of my attitude? I’m jealous because there are those in the religious community who are genuinely happy, and experiencing a full life in their little biblical bubbles. I’m out here, struggling in a religious world, trying to find my own equal footing, and finding happiness in a world that doesn’t accept me.
I want to believe what they do. I want to be apart of the majority and fit in. I want to have eternal life and a pain free eternity with those I love. It seems I experience a bit of atheistic buyer’s remorse because it sure sounds nice with everything the believers have.
Unfortunately, I want reality more. Including all the pressure it brings to make the right decisions the first time around. I’m not saying the religious don’t strive to do right the first time, but if you know you have a cushion to fall back on for a forgiveness that trumps the offended? That seems a little unfair. I also want the demand to think deeply on issues that face not just myself, but every culture around me, acting on the issues in a manner that is helpful for all, not a prescribed dogma.
I want the reality that by only having this single life, I must spread outside my personal circles and know as many people as I can before I die. I don’t want to miss out on any experiences due to set out guidelines for community membership qualifications that are geared to only certain types of culture. I want to touch as many lives as possible. I want the reality that because there isn’t an afterlife, I need to create a legacy worthy of remembrance of me, not a deity. I want the reality that I am apart of the majority — the human majority — and together we can accomplish much.
This desire to live a more tangible reality than that of my more religious peers can be a shadow on my existence sometimes. Not because I am not nearly as content as believers, but because I think our community has some growing to do still, and it is just starting to flourish. I feel like I’m in the generation that is going to just miss the blossoming of free thought’s reemergence in society, but I hope I leave enough of a mark in my own communities that I’ll still be a participant, even if post humus.
